Apparatchiks: Behind the scenes of the escaped dissident.

There is a natural state that your body is supposed to be in. Physically, mentally, spiritually, politically, socially and existentially. You are born in this state and the essence of that state is that you are closely connected to the nature that brought you into existence - not just the human beings. You are a creative entity with a wonderful imagination, who understands, as a very small child (not fully aware of who or what you are), that there is so much you do not know and do not understand, and from the moment you are born you challenge everything and test everything to discover what is really going on. To survive and continue existing and growing.

As a baby and a child you constantly ask questions.

1. Why can my mummy make such amazing food?

2. Why does this other entity (dogs and cats) want to lick my face?

3. How do I get to the food cupboard and get all the cakes?

4. Why does this boy get to answer all the questions in class and I don't get to answer one single one?

Then you are stopped, from being inquisitive, by the people around you, the education system, society and governments. You can only ask 'the right questions'. And, from that point on your perception and consciousness begin to be deliberately limited and moulded to make you into a 'citizen; nationality; man and woman'. You start to lose your humanity, if you cannot ask the questions you need to ask and be answered, as fully as possible, in the world in which you exist. Nationalistic Nation States need to dull your consciousness in order for you to accept your nationality. Governments are supposed to celebrate and encourage creativity, which is the essence of humanity, not limit your beautiful journey to consciousness.

The essence of your humanity has been corrupted by linguistic explanations, in psychology and science, to the extent it has been captured and bastardized. Your humanity is not accessed through language or science. These are limiting your consciousness, because your brain has developed language to the extent that a story can create your reality, if you focus only on that and believe that to be the way to understanding existence. But, your full reality and consciousness cannot be accessed through stories (narratives). Narratives serve to keep you under control, so that you are easier to understand and categorise. People who create false narratives, which they may or may not believe (very important point), are the most fearful people on earth. Yet, they will claim they are the most sane.

In reality, you need to be deprogrammed and de-enslaved in order to be free and creative again.

How many escaped Western, British in particular, dissidents are there?

I sometimes wonder how many escaped dissidents there are outside the UK. I suspect there are hundreds of thousands inside, that do not consider themselves dissidents. Some will believe the system still functions, and therefore being in the system allows them to criticise it. Some are willing to spend their life fighting the system, in the hope of changing it, whilst being tortured in the most horrific ways: isolated in a cell, listening to people killing themselves, being tortured and murdered (Julian Assange first interview in Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe (PACE)(video)

Other ways in which you are tortured, but may not realise it, is the way you are trained to categorise yourself and those around you. And, fundamentally, the most damaging way that you are limiting your own consciousness, is by the punishments you give out to others and to yourself for stepping outside their/your cage.

Other forms of state torture: psychiatry and the DSM, which is one of the most barbaric and inhumane crimes against humanity. Through stories ('diagnostic' narratives with no basis in science or reality) that deny people their reality (personal life history and stories) - often too horrific to imagine, explain or fight against. Disturbed and sadistic believers (in Psychiatry) limit the human essence to categories, and medicalise and pharmacize in order to profit from their misery. Professor Peter Gotzsche is a well known whistle blower and victim of those wishing to silence dissenters like him. Please read his books.

Stop categorising people and start opening your heart to your own and their humanity. And, watch how much of a threat you become. Because if you stop categorizing people, as them and us, you are no longer just a citizen, nationality, man or woman. It is a moment of tremendous sadness, to realize you have been living a lie, but also a moment of great joy, to discover this. Your world expands. Freedom is not an easy path to take.

This is what started my journey to dissidence.

I was a dissident living in the UK, from 2005 to 2013. Watching, observing and reflecting. I watched how the Scottish State killed my child; protected the killers; How Judge Colin Boyd, at the highest level of the Scottish judiciary (Procurator Fiscal), covered up his murder and did not even show me the most basic humanity, by justifying this barbaric decision. As Danny's mother.

The Special Bond Mothers Have with Their Boys.

A mother creates a human, growing the baby inside her, using her body to feed the baby (I breast fed Danny for twelve months), protecting her baby. Mothers are connected to their babies in the most profound ways, that fathers do not experience and have no way of fully comprehending. To deny a mother the explanation of how their baby was murdered, and why (or to knowingly lie), is one of the most barbaric things you can do to a human being. It takes you to a place of profound suffering that cannot be explained in words. It also expands your consciousness suddenly and dramatically, in ways that only others who have experienced this sudden lesson of existence understand. People in war zones experience this. Other mothers of murdered children experience this, and may choose to accept a label (grieved; anxious; victim; traumatized) in order for other people to be able to related to them. I do not accept labels. Certainly not permanent labels and certainly ont other people impose on me. I accepted my humanity. We are meant to suffer to experience our true existence and stay connected to it. Death and loss bring you down to the most basic element of your existence. You cannot escape this reality. You must try to understand it. It has nothing to do with anyone else because it is your existence and in truth that is all we are. Individual entities. And that is the biggest threat to western societies - that we are not just citizens, nationalities or men and women. We are existential and we have been programmed to forget it.

So, what do I do from day to day?

I breathe. I rest. I listen to the birds, animals, trees and weather around me. I feel a connection to nature much deeper than I did before. And, I observe myself and my life as others try to dictate, whether willingly or not, whether I should eat, have peace or be free.

I have quite dramatically, since arriving in Sri Lanka, due partly to the humidity, heat and my normal physical state, lost almost all of the weight I put on whilst being tortured and living as an asylum seeker.

I am not in control of my life, or the direction of my life, because the British State has labelled me, slandered and stalked me to such an extent that I cannot play the game of survival, working in a paying job, starting my own business or existing in the bigger society. I have been isolated, prevented from working, and forced to write my 'story', until or if ever I am told 'It is enough'! It has been six years since I have been targeted by Police Scotland; abusive Iraqi men in Ranya(2018) and Erbil (2020) - not traumatising events in themselves in any shape or form, but due to the behaviour of the FCDO since then, highly and deliberately ruining; the FCDO; Keir Starmer; The Swiss Government; the Investigatory Powers Tribunal (Judge Colin Boyd was the Vice President when I submitted my complaint - the same judge who prevented an investigation into the murder of my child) - who refused to even invite me to their hearing, but did 'investigations' (contacted whoever they wished and did not allow me to respond or defend myself).

I was forced to ask for political asylum in Switzerland in October 2023 (who tortured me and kidnapped my passport, even after I left in December 2024); refused to send my passport to Croatia and Bosnia (where the UK and Swiss sent their lies to) even though that was the reason I gave for asking for asylum protection (Switzerland has taken my liberty (my passport) and refused to return my passport. I am forced to request asylum). This goes against the funadementals of asylum law: to protect the human rights of those at risk of harm or being persecuted.

I was told, and you can read this in the letter on the main page of my website - even after I left Switzerland (I am not Swiss):

You can have your passport if you agree to leave Switzerland (and the Schengen area).

You must give us tickets to your new destination.

You must get a one-year residency visa for your new destination (not possible without your passport).

You cannot work or earn a living in Switzerland (and subsequently, by demonstration when I left, 'You cannot earn a living anywhere else because we are keeping your identity proof.' (passport)).

In essence: We are denying you your freedom; not explaining why; are willing to let you starve and damage you, through torture of any kind, and do not have to follow any Human Rights laws. We are not answerable to anyone.

Whilst saying all of this, whilst in Switzerland, and for six months after I was refused asylum protection in Switzerland; then in Croatia; and then in Bosnia; and for about three months in Serbia, they denied me my humanity and my right to live peacefully, earn money to survive and not engage with the psychopaths in the FCDO doing this, and British Security Services, not to mention Prime Ministers, IPT Judges or other little apparatchiks in the British State.

My passport was sent to Professor Gill in The Netherlands, even after the Swiss repeatedly refused to send it or give it directly to me. I think they are insane!

So, while I feel spiritually and consciously freed, I cannot find a way to earn a living. I am dependent on the generosity of people like Professor Richard Gill, who is getting old and may be losing his faculties, but who I am sure will fight injustice to the end, regardless of the mistakes he may make.

Professor Richard Gill is a very humane and kind human being who is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. A very patient and generous person, but some of his mistakes I have had to correct, publicly, because it is often the most innocent people who have caused me pain and suffering. I have to control my own narrative and I am desperate for other people to join me and help me. Most will be very fearful, because my situation requires perseverance and the willingness to read a lot of material, and that is another element of my deliberate isolation - people are afraid of things they don't understand. The other thing that must be said about Professor Gill, is his tenacity. Even though I have had to teach him an experiential lesson (because theory cannot teach you all lessons), which is painful, he has and is trying to collaborate with me because he has one of the most profound senses of humanity. Deep pain gave him this and I am sure observing the deep pain of innocent incarcerated female nurses. Richard Gill has made big mistakes, regarding his understanding about my life. However, I believe, he has the ability to admit to his mistakes, which is the measure of his profound intelligence and deep humanity, which we share. But, he has status and I do not. He exists in both worlds and I only exist in the world of limiting consciousness. Everyone needs to exist in both.

I need more people like Richard in my life, everyone does. And I need a way outside of the UK to exist, with an income and a home. The UK will never be my home again, even if I lived there physically, because it is a barbaric, failed and sadistic state now. It has allowed the murder of my child to go unpunished. It has almost destroyed myself and my other living child. It has destroyed my life outside the UK. It has engaged with other states to torture and isolate me. It has prevented me from having a voice in a US court , in the IPT Court, in Swiss courts, and in the Beijing People's Court, where I could have defended my character and continued existing peacefully, outside the UK. The UK is attacking its own citizens and gaslighting those who desist. It is too late for the UK, and those in the highest places see it clearer than the masses.

I need your assistance. Professor Gill is still a friend and you can talk to him if you want to, or you can talk directly to me. He doesn't always get it right but he has deep humanity and profound intelligence, which he is losing slowly because of the drugs he has to take and old age.

I am still alive because of priests and nuns and Catholics in Switzerland; Orthodox Serbian priests in Serbia; the kindness of total strangers in Visegrad; the kindness and profound determination of Richard Gill and his friends.